I feel like I have learned a lot about boundaries over the past month, and I wanted to write down my thoughts about boundaries and the different types of boundaries that can be classified so that people have a better ability to talk about boundaries. I have determined that I would classify boundaries into a least 4 types:
- Negative Boundaries; Boundary Violations – I change you so I don’t have to change. I change me so you don’t have to change.
- No Boundaries – I don’t know where I end and you begin.
- External Boundaries – I change the environment to define myself.
- Internal Boundaries – I change my mind to define myself.
I was a little remiss at first to separate out negative boundaries from no boundaries, but I think there is a subtle distinction. Negative boundaries are basically boundary violations in either the inward or outward direction, and they are somewhat orthogonal to the other three boundaries. You can have internal, external, or no boundaries and violate your or others’ boundaries. It just so happens that the likelihood of boundary violations goes down from no, to external, to internal boundaries.
Most of us are at least somewhat familiar with no boundaries, either internally, when we feel like we depend on another person for our identity in some way, shape, or form. It does not have to be complete, as in it does not have to be our entire identity that depends on the person. It could be our emotional identity, it could be our professional identity, but without that person, we become undefined in that place when or if they cannot be there for us.
Additionally, we can experience no boundaries externally when we meddle or manipulate people in order to change them out of a beautiful, but misguided attempt to help. The hallmark of an adult is the self actualization of personal autonomy. When we control or we manipulate in order to “help” the person fix a problem, or accelerate their growth, we do dishonor to their personal autonomy. We say, intrinsically, that “you are not me, and therefore you are wrong.” We do not know where we end and they begin.
Finally, no boundaries can exist in the external but inward direction, where because we care so much about the person who comes to us for help with their identity, that we take on the weight, voluntarily, of that person and we try to “help” by accommodating. But we are still basically manipulating, only we are now manipulating by unconsciously or consciously disallowing that person from establishing their own identity. We say, “here, let me provide that identity for you.”
Boundaries are about definition. Who I am. Who you are. Where I end and where you begin. If we are to establish boundaries, what kind of boundaries can we set? I have concluded we can set external boundaries, and we can set internal boundaries.
External boundaries are the boundaries we are most familiar with, and the ones that get a lot of attention from discussions on boundaries. Go away. Give me space. Stop talking or I will leave. Do not touch me. You do not own me.
External boundaries take the form of actions or words that change the environment around us to reinforce our definition. We walk away from a fight. We cut someone out of our life. Or less drastic, we say “please don’t touch me right now,” or “I do not want to do what you are asking.” External boundaries are the grossest (as opposed to subtle) way for us to achieve definition. We define ourselves as bodies that are exposed to stimuli and we control the stimuli through controlling where our bodies are, most extremely, or by request that others control their bodies or words.
External boundaries are extraordinarily important. External boundaries keep you alive. External boundaries help you fight back. External boundaries are necessary to shout “NO!” and absolutely mean it. But not everything in life is a fight to the death. Not every encounter requires fight or flight.
And this brings us to internal boundaries. When we deal with the people we love, who are not dangerous to our bodies, this is the boundary type that I believe is the most important, and most potent for establishing rich, rewarding relationships.
This is the type of boundary that typically only exists in verbal exchanges. The moment a person imposes their body onto yours in some way, whether through assault or unwanted touch, that becomes the domain of external boundaries. But while we are still talking, we can utilize internal boundaries to give the people we love the space to be who they need to be without losing our definition.
Internal boundaries have been the MOST difficult for me to learn. To stand up for myself, only inside my head, and say, “you are out of your mind to think that what you are saying is true.” Internal boundaries require self esteem. They require an intrinsic trust that “my thoughts are real, and my thoughts matter.” When you come from a place of no boundaries, where the words of other people are “real,” you simply cannot have internal boundaries. A person you love says, “Jesus, Brandon, you are being such a fucking asshole.” Now, with no boundaries, you are an asshole. You are less than human. That person has redefined you.
Or have they? The answer is no. They have no redefined you. Ultimately we all define ourselves. A person who calls you an asshole could be doing so for a number of reasons, but ultimately it is their experience of your person. Internal boundaries allow us to simultaneously say “well…no, I am not an asshole” and “what in the world would make them think I am an asshole?” That being said, sometimes we already know our behavior was inappropriate so the second question is already answered.
There is an important point to note here though, with regards to internal boundaries. If we have very strong internal boundaries, but never practice compassion for another person, we will have very few friends. Internal boundaries allow us to define ourselves, for sure, but if we never modify ourselves, or if we have no drive to change, the world, and our friends, will pass us by. Compassion, and the drive to continue to grow an adapt are also important for boundaries to not become cages.
A final point I would like to make is in relation to boundaries and trauma. Many times we can have perfectly fine boundaries in several areas of our lives, but in some areas we just have absolutely no boundaries. If you a person who has decently good boundaries in multiple areas of your life, but you cannot figure out why in one particular area you have no boundaries, and you define yourself in terms of another person, or you are constantly meddling in others’ affairs, you most likely have a root trauma around that. Root traumas have a very nasty ability to draw parts of ourselves outside of boundaries and keep that part of us completely exposed, and due to the absolute, excruciating pain of relocating the trauma (i.e. reowning it, reintegrating it), it stays exposed and outside of our otherwise perfectly good boundaries. So if this is you, go to a counselor and process that trauma. You will thank them later. Much like existing with a dislocated shoulder, existing with an exposed root trauma can easily ruin your life in several ways, and it is your responsibility to go to a professional to get that shit popped back into place.
To recap once again, we can have no boundaries, external boundaries, or internal boundaries. Both types of boundaries are important, but internal boundaries seem to be a refinement of external boundaries and allow us to adapt much more fluidly and provide compassion to those we love over external boundaries. In all cases we can practice positive or negative boundaries, where we either build up or tear down boundaries respectively. Practicing positive boundaries honors the intrinsic, growing, vulnerable human in all of us.
